foxes for now: the subject of some websites is so disturbing that those who experience them will never be the same again

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January 06, 2005

the subject of some websites is so disturbing that those who experience them will never be the same again

in light of the stunning success of the mailbag, foxes is opening up a second feature: ask foxlanders. the way he thinks is—foxes simply cannot stop dropping mad genius, so why not kick more knowledge? here, he'll bring his incredible array of literacy to bear on any problem you may be having, including (but not limited to) law school admissions, table manners, and the art of physical love. what he will give you is the objectively correct solution to your dilemmatic situation.

while the mailbag will only appear on sundays, ask foxlanders will appear whenever he receives a piece of mail from a lonely heart in need of a few pointers. buckle up, 'cause here we go!

dear foxes,

i am madly in love with sarah zearfoss of michigan. but she is bound to break my heart, to reject me, without even the smallest of post-it note explanations. i read on your website that she wrote you a note on your admit letter that said, "great personal statement!" damnit, foxes! my essay is pretty great too. what advice can you give to be a soon to be sarah zearfoss reject? is there anyway to ease the pain?

sincerely,
sleepless in ann arbor

sleepless,

sarah is a feisty mistress. i know for a fact that she has made offers to hundreds of guys, so she's likely not the most discriminating of madames. even if you do get her attention, it'll be hard to keep it. so, as far as i can tell, you only have a few options.

1. show up at the admissions office with one red rose and a ukulele, playing van halen's "jump" while wearing only thermal underwear and a motorcycle helmet. (note: this requires jump kicking and full-body flamboyance a la david lee roth.) for the grand finale, you sing, nay shout, "you make me com--, you make me complete--, you make me completely miserable!!" and then storm out of the room spiking your helmet on the ground and breaking the stringed instrument over the crown of your head.

2. get all of your friends together who have been accepted to michigan law and have them each write you a letter of recommendation for a different part of your body. you can use the following as a template:

Dear Sarah Z.,

Sleepless has a wonderful _____. The way it _____ is truly amazing. I doubt many other students at Michigan have such an amazing _____ that can remarkably _____ with regularity. Once he entered it into a _____ competition; his _____ didn't win first place but it certainly won Mr. Congeniality because his _____ was so nice to the other _____ that they wanted him to win something, so they gave him a _____ for his _____. Please admit Sleepless, if not just for his _____. One _____ of Sleepless' is worth ten of someone else's _____.

Thanks,
_____

3. send in this correspondence as an addendum to your application with the following note scrawled onto the paper in your own blood: "“it is one thing to contact the dead! it is another to meddle! and you are meddling!”

good luck, although it really won't be necessary. remember to keep us all updated as it works itself out! foxlanders, signing off—for now...

Posted by foxes in ask foxlanders at January 6, 2005 07:48 PM

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